So It Hurts

Just when I thought I had it under control, a man showed up in my life that I didn't expect. That was a weird trip. I think I got dumped for a replicant. But mostly because he thought I was the replicant. My life is shit, but I'm not a virus. At least I'm pretty sure I'm not a replicant.

It was a few days of uneasy bliss for me, because I hate being alone, but have been alone so much that having someone around was a little scary. And yeah, drama, because, what can i do except dramatize everything in my world?

It was controlling and manipulative on his part, and I'm sure that I was boring and seemingly ungrateful. I don’t even know why I'm writing about this except that I know I have to get it out somehow.

It’s difficult when the person you're with is a narcissistic bastard, and backwards to boot. I don’t know why this is so hard to write about, except, well you know, conditioning. My whole life I've been surrounded by narcissistic bastards, and have very rarely gotten a glimpse of the outside world, so i’m surprised that this is still surprising to me.

I cant be the good little girl, i cant be the willing slave, i can’t be a hooker, and i can't be anyone it seems, except myself. And that’s the crux of the matter, is that I haven't ever been accepted for who I am. With the DID it's even worse, because my others all seem to get accepted for who they are, but me? Naw, that’s too much. Or not enough, I'm never quite sure which.

And even though I got dumped, I think I still want him back, because he is familiar, and because there are parts of him that I do love and accept, but I cannot tolerate the abuse anymore, and that is where I'm struggling with this. It’s a typical narcissistic setup, with him using me as his supply. And that irritates me to no end, that i can see it for what it is, but i cant do a damned thing about it from where i am.

So it hurts. And it hurts. And it hurts some more.